Topic: Quirky Customers at Work

I've worked at Wegmans for three years now, since December 2006 (I know what you're thinking--you legally shouldn't be allowed to work at a grocery store for three years. What can I say, I'm a sucker for stability). I haven't worked there in a while because I've been away at school, but sometimes I think about all the strange encounters I've had with customers over the years. I previously described my store's customers before as "impatient" and "upper class" with "an overblown sense of entitlement". That's not entirely fair, as that probably constitutes about 95% of them (truthfully, most of the people I meet are nice). But I do see the same "quirky" people over and over again, such as:

Jesus Man - This guy is tops. Other cashiers know him as the fanny pack guy--I have no idea what he carries in there, but he always has one. Probably prayer cards. He always lectures you about religion and wishes you well with God while you're desperately trying to scan and bag his groceries as fast as you can. "Emily," he said one time, "as you get older, don't let life harden you."

Coupon Guy - I've never had this guy come through my line because when the managers spot him, they rush over to the register that he's going through and take over for that cashier. How do they spot him? He's at least 6'8 and wears a brown fedora. Apparently he has a shit ton of coupons and only a few of them work, but if you tell him that they don't work, he gets pissed. I guess the managers figure we don't get paid enough to deal with him.

The Crazy Lady - She really is crazy. Well, supposedly--the gossip I've heard from another cashier informed me that she was a grossly rich woman who lost it all and went a bit nuts. Or maybe she went a bit nuts and then lost it all. Anyway, she wears bright red lipstick and too much eye makeup, and she's been banned from the store for stealing several times. I guess they keep letting her back in. She stole a cauliflower from the back of my register once, where it was sitting for someone else to take back to the produce department.

I-Can't-Turn-Off-My-Ipod Guy - Every single weeknight this guy comes in, either through my line or someone else's, and he's always got those trademark white skinny cords running down the front of his shirt. He's this stocky, short-haired guy that usually wears gym shorts and a wife beater (i.e., he's clearly Italian) and keeps his earbuds in the entire time he's in the store and in someone's line. He rarely says anything, as he is skilled in the art of nonverbal cues, but I don't really blame him anymore for shopping with his Ipod--over the summer, Wegmans switched to an extremely pretentious soundtrack of all classical music, all the time.

The Professor and his "Lady Friend" - These are probably my favorite customers. Both of them have this awesomely white hair--no salt-and-pepper, just snow. I'm pretty sure they make friends with everyone; they used to ask me if I'd chosen a major yet and how my band was going. Bob's an ex-Lehigh University professor. He yelled "Yes!" and punched the air when I told him I was going to be an English major, because that's what he used to teach. Apparently he also taught my Creative Writing professor from Cedar Crest when she was a graduate student at Lehigh. For the life of me, I've never been able to remember his lady friend's name. Go me.

And then there's the garden variety Wegmans shopper that I see once, and then they mysteriously disappear back into the vacuum of grocery store connoisseurs:

-A man came through my express line and bought a card. He smiled, thanked me, and presumably left the store. A few minutes later I looked up, and there he was again, holding some flowers to purchase that he must've forgotten the first time around. He gave me a grave look and passed me a $20 bill, saying, "We can't keep meeting like this. People will start to talk."

-As I always do, I asked a woman if she found everything that she was looking for. "Yes," she replied, "but I think you should have a rich, attractive men aisle." What the fuck? "Yeah," I said, "that'd be nice." What the hell else do you say to that? And I'm not sure if she realizes, but stores aren't legally allowed to stock human beings for sale--I think the act of buying and selling humans as property falls under the category of "slavery."

-My manager came over to my register to bring me some change, and she glanced at the elderly couple that were loading their items onto my belt. "Watch out for them," she said. "They fight." I nodded. The couple finished putting everything up and stood next to the register. "Please pack them light," the woman requested. The man frowned. "Pack them as heavy as you want--she's the one carrying them," he said, which was stupid because if she's the one carrying them then she's the one who can tell me how heavy to make the bags. Regardless, they started bickering, I zoned out, and they didn't shut up until I gave them their receipt. Before they left, the woman locked eyes with me and said, "God, never get married." The man said nodded knowingly.

-I was working on an express register and a woman put eight small packages of ice cream on the belt. Upon further inspection, I realized that they were ice cream for dogs. "Believe it or not," she said, "I'm on my way to a doggy birthday party." There aren't many ways to respond to that that aren't sarcastic and mean, so all I figured I could say was, in my I'm-talking-to-some-batshit-customer voice, "Oh. I've never been to one myself." I mean, there are so many things wrong with having a birthday party for a dog. Birthdays in general are strange, because when you really think about it, we're either celebrating the fact that we're getting closer to dying (half empty) or the fact that we've survived another year (half full). But dogs--who, believe it or not, aren't self-aware--have no concept of age or time or anything. So why bother spending twenty bucks on doggy ice cream to celebrate the fact that your dog's chances of getting hip dysplasia and cataracts have just increased seven-fold? And why the fuck do dogs need ice cream?